Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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