this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
