I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my being single is dangerous.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
