remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
