Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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