he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
