she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
