Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
