dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
