I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
