two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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