pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
