we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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