It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
