I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
