I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
