Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
