Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
