Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
