I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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