there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
