Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
