I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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