A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
