His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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