Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
