Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
