If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
