My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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