I saw his package. It spoke to me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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