I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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