Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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