Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
