i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
