tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
