3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Buhtt sex?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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