I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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