If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
