Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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