my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
