Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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