It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
