On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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