so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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