Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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