I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
