ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
