im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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