Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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