If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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