wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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